Happy New Year!
Citrus Dill Gravlax
A little over two years ago I began writing here. It’s been a gift to track my curiosities and share them, to hear about what you’re making or how you might have done things differently. I’m in semi-disbelief it’s about to be 2019.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. New Year’s Eve has always left me feeling a little uneasy. I didn’t know how to view it as a fresh start, nor did I enjoy looking back at 12 months’ worth of blunders, social gaffes or regrettable decisions. I wanted to keep looking forward, not back, but New Years is a paradox. It’s a stalling and reboot, braided together. Some years I felt stuck in a loop of anxiousness, viewing the next set of 365 days as 365 opportunities to fall behind or fail in some new, inventive way I’d yet to encounter. Anxiety does funny things to each of us. As for me…well, it winnows any hopefulness into the narrowest strait. It takes the future and contorts it into grotesque shapes. Nothing is good enough. Nothing will ever improve. Nothing is worth the effort. You get the idea.
All futures are something of a mixed bag. It’s taken ages to accept the future is not a pass/fail lesson—same too with cities, or jobs, or relationships. I can’t inform you 2018 was the year I learned to see the glass as half full—but time has allowed me to create spaces like this, where I find so much worth celebrating. In spite of it all, I’m grateful to leave this year lighter than I entered it.
I pushed my physical self harder than ever before, and in doing so, developed a deeper respect for my body. I held myself to account when I was feeling negative. I took greater liberties to play and experiment. I laughed a lot more. I said some hard but necessary good-byes. My family grew, including my chosen family. I wrote as often as I could, and hiked and swam whenever I could get away from the city. I did my best to show up for the one person I’ve always neglected most: myself. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fully silence my inner critic, but I was at last able to convince her to stop working overtime for a change. If things were a little more quiet on the social front, it was only because I needed to spend some time learning how to be a better friend to myself.
Some years I host a party (an effective strategy for those facing a holiday they dread: stuff the house with those you love and way too much food to take your mind off of it altogether). This year I’m planning to stay in for some much needed rest, some habits remain. There will likely be oysters. A roast chicken. Maybe even this citrus and dill gravlax, which is so clean and fresh and easy to make. A showstopper for a crowd, or a private delight for parties-of-one, layered on an everything bagel with plenty of scallion cream cheese.
I hope, wherever you are, you ring in the new year in whatever way speaks to you. Thank you for being here, for reading this, for continuing to message me when you made something on here for yourself and updating me with your tweaks. I am wishing all of you a bright and beautiful 2019.
