A New Year: Bearing Witness
2017. Lots of anxiety, a constant struggle to contain it. There were many bright spots. My home overflowed and emptied and replenished again with friends and family, glasses of wine spilt and broke and oranges were split to be shared. We ate very well. I grew flowers and tomatoes in the city and only half of them died. I tried to see as many of you as I could. I fell in love for a minute. I let go often.
All this said, some of the most important lessons this year were in solitude. The midnight glass of cognac at Café de Flore, walking through different cities on my own. Getting lost on a train and ending up in a city I couldn't pronounce. Building a fire in a cabin and singing until the sun came up. I climbed a mountain (OK, it was a short mountain), and took long swims in the ocean whenever I could. I saw so many beautiful things in the micro and macro and wanted at times to turn to the nearest person and say "can you believe all this is happening!"
Sometimes I get down on how much life happens for me "on my own" but there is a silver lining in there--when you face yourself you learn what you can withstand. You see quickly how little credit you give yourself, how much you take your body for granted. Some years aren't about the big events at all but about bearing witness. Watching, listening, studying. Taking notes. None of this is easy, per se. But every now and then you'll be sitting at a cafe wishing you still smoked because, god!, the French make it look so good, when a line jumps out at you from the book you're reading--"both surveyor and surveyed, the flâneur is a beguiling but empty vessel, a blank canvas into which different eras have projected their own desires and anxieties." You feel empty and full at the same time and that's just how it goes. You note that while you were waiting for life to happen it's been happening all around you this entire time. You go into the new year without resolutions or reservations. You keep going in spite of it all. Maybe even because of exactly that. You'd like to see what happens next.
Happy 2018, everyone. I love you! xo
